In Returning I Will Take It

At the height of my D/s sessions in the pandemic half of my sessions ended in sex, and the other half ended with me being satisfied, tired, and going to bed afterwards to sleep.

When I started my D/s sessions it wasn’t done for me to have ‘better’ sex, because with sex at an average of two to three times a week, I had nothing to complain about. However, I ‘missed’ something. Now my sex bordered more on kinky than ‘vanilla’ sex, but I needed to have the structure of the D/s sessions. I needed to take more control, and I needed to feel to be in control. D/s sessions framed that for me, and of course with the D/s sessions I explored more aspects of BDSM.

To me it was never about the sex, but it definitely enhanced my sex. There were also the nights when the sadist in me enjoyed the pain I dished out so much, that I fucked them, whether I was in the mood or not, because that’s the way I wanted it.

I know there is the common misconception that BDSM is always about the sex, but sex can happen without BDSM, so why can’t BDSM happen without sex? It’s wonderful when the two go together, but for me the BDSM part is about different desires than having an orgasm. It’s about my need to control you, about my need to tell you what to do, about my need to use you for my pleasure. My pleasure is your pleasure. There’s a different kind of orgasm for that.

The pain I dish out is about releasing stress in your body and mind and it satisfies me on a whole different level than an orgasms can. Those times when I had playdates with couples or individuals was never about the sex, but about the play itself. About satisfying the sadists in me. About rope. About restraining and spankings and flogging and caneing. About using. Feeling the control. Yes, sex sometimes happened, but mostly for the women and sissy's.

I believe that bondage and pain play can be done without any sexual component or the goal to have an orgasm. There might always be some form of lust involved, but not a sexual lust. If I look at them, then I know that reaching out to pinch a nipple while their eyes force me to look deep into their soul, is a lust for affirming their role, and mine. Some will call it a lust for power, but that’s not the way I see it. A lust for power makes me think of business men who will step over dead bodies to get to their goal. I see that as a negative thing. You don’t see my lust to reaffirm my control over you as negative.

My sex life is as good, but I know the desire is still there too, simmering somewhere under the surface. My D/s sessions is currently still on the low level it has been for the past, but it’s still part of me. The one part that still remains, is putting a night collar around a neck every night. However, in the past week or so, it has happened a couple of times that my hand disappeared into a nightie, found a nipple and pinched, all while my eyes stayed on you.

There’s promise in that. A gently, fragile promise, but still a promise.

I’ll take it. Whether it’s only the sex, or only the D/s, sessions or a combination of the two returning, I will take it.

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